Grief and Gain
by Sarrabr4
Summary: This story will follow Severide and his relationship with Britney. Severide decided to follow her to meet her family after they pull each other from the pit that is their grief of loosing someone they love. ON HIATUS. I'll pick it back up when I'm done with at least one of my stories, I'm not feeling it right now SORRY
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer : Chicago Fire is owned by NBC and Dick Wolf. I own nothing except my imagination.

Ok so i decided to start a new story and since I liked Britney and Severide married (except when she became a crazy wife on scene) I decided to center it around them. Our Dawsey will go through a bit of problems but fear not, they will end up together.

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It all started when Shay died. As soon as she was pulled from Gabby and mine's arms in that abandoned building, my world had practically stopped turning. I had dissapeared to the cabin for a month and in the few moments of clarity, I had decided I had had enough of 51. First Andy, then Matt almost losing his life when that beam hit his head and now Shay was gone. The house was cursed, it was as simple as that. It wasn't until Matt paid me a visit, more than a month later that I even thought of going back. His speech had been the first thing that pulled me out of deep darkness that surrounded me. He was by my side also when I had to go through Shay's things at our appartment.

"Her family will definitely want some of this stuff." Matt was the first to talk after the several minutes of silence that passed once we walked through the front door.

"I can't stay here man." I looked around the appartment, memories everyone I laid eyes on.

"Why don't you come stay with us for a while." was Matt's answer. "We have a spare bedroom."

"I dunno, I don't wanna." The last thing I wanted was to make things harder for Matt and Gabby. After all, she was grieving too.

"It's done, as long as you want."

"Thanks." I picked up the cd with the contract we had made on video. When I first heard her voice, it made me smile. But the more I was watching, my heart became heavier. She had promised to be there, always, no matter what and now she was gone. My heart was beyond broken.

The next day, I moved into Matt and Gabby's new place and he showed me to the room that would be mine but in my head, it would only be a place to sleep so I didn't have to be in a place where memories of Shay would overwhelm me. Then, my days consisted in showing up at the firehouse, getting the job done and at night, I would go drown my pain at the closest bar only to start it all over the next day. The days I wasn't on shift, I was wasted. In a matter of a few days, I had managed to lie my way out of evenings with Erin and the guys. I couldn't even remember a night where I had slept in the room Matt had offered me. I would either sleep in my car, parked in front of 51 most nights or on a bunk during first watch's shift. The only thing keeping me attached to time were my shifts at the firehouse. On mornings when I had slept only a few hours and had shift, I had found a new best friend in my mouthwash. I was convinced that that combined with a shower was enough to convince everyone in the house that I was ok. Then things started going south. It started with me standing up Erin after getting too drunk watching a Cubs game at a bar to remember to be on time.

Her words were still fresh in my mind. _"It's ok. Look Kelly, you and me, we're cut from the same cloth alright. I've been where you are and I know how hard it is and I know you've got to do what you've got to do to deal with that. So I will be there for you as a friend, but I will not be the girl sitting at a restaurant waiting for you." _and then my own words. Words that i had yet to really put out there since her death. _"She was my best friend."_ I had managed to choke out before she pulled me in her arms, letting me cry on her shoulder.

Then, after the truck incident, I had told Mills to get his dizzyness problem checked out but forgot about asking him what the verdict was. I walked into Boden's office, wondering what was up with Mills.

"Is Mills out sick or something? I'm missing a man."

"You haven't spoken to him?"

"He left me a message or two the other day. I must of forgotten to call him."

"Severide, when you go off shift lately, you go on a 48 hour black hole, why is that?"

"Chief, I'm just trying to find Mills."

"Mills has failed his medical examination, he is off Squad."

"Yeah?"

"Maybe you should reach out to him."

"Sure, absolutely." That was something that shouldn't have fallen off my radar and yet it did.

The next time I went out, I went to see Mick at the bar and after six Irish car bombs, I decided to leave but Mick made sure I didn't take my car back home. I ended up taking the subway for what would become a night in hell. I woke up with a start when the train jolted to a stop and people running to safety after shots being fired. My brain was screaming at me to follow the lead of these people but my body was pushing me to go help the train conducter. We managed to escape after CPD came down the subway station. Burgess and Roman took my statement before I made my way back to the house to sleep it off. I got out of my office and crossed Casey coming out of the locker room.

"If crashing here is your way of avoiding paying rent." I could hear the teasing in his voice but I wasn't ready to display last nights activities to anyone.

"I lost my keys and I didn't want to wake you guys up."

"How did you get the shinner anyways? Hit on the wrong girl?"

"Something like that." I mumbled and left the room to grab some breakfast. After our first call of the day, the guys had already started a pool about how I had gotten the black eye.

"What's the bet?"

"Wondering how you got the black eye." Capp asked smiling.

"We'd ask you how you got it but you probably don't even remember." Newhouse added.

"You do remember right?"

"Good luck with that." I told them and walked back into the house. I walked in front of chief but he stopped me in my tracks.

"Severide. A word, my office." I followed him and he closed the door behind me. "I got a courtisy call from CPD brass. Turns out one of my lieutenants saw a lot of action on the L train last night."

"You know what? You should get into that black eye pool, I think they're up to ninty bucks." I laughed, trying to dodge the subject all together but chief Boden wouldn't have it. "I'm fine chief it's handled." I told him as he looked at me intently.

"You mean like you've handled things since you've been back here. Dragging your feet in my firehouse, five minutes before roll call looking like you got your ass kicked by a bottle."

"Look chief, I get the job done. Day in and day out."

"It's not just about showing up." I could tell he was getting frustrated. He walked around his office to face me. "Trust me, I know that losing Shay has been hard." he started and his words struck a nerve, making me straiten my back and listen reluctantly. "But do you really think this is how she would want you to get past it?"

"Please don't." I knew he was coming at this from experience but loosing Shay was still too raw for him to go there. "I'm telling you that I'm fine."

"Kelly. Get beyond this. Or there's no place for you in this house." There they were. Those words that I was dreading to hear coming out of his mouth. Shay was gone and now he was threatening to take away my Squad if I couldn't get passed this. I looked at him one more time and left his office to go in mine. A few minutes later, Casey opened my door.

"I'm prepared to put twenty in the black eye pool if you give me a hint."

"Not now Matt."

"You know. How you spend your time off shift is your business but people in this house count on you." This was the last straw.

"You know what I can count on? Nothing, no one. So why don't you and the rest of the people in this house just leave me alone. Really." The look in his eye was one of hurt but he just left my office and left me to my thoughts. After shift, I made my way to Lakeshore to check on the train operator.

"Hey Kelly." Kendra called when she saw me. Her face looked like I felt inside.

"Kendra hi. I'm looking for a woman, gunshot victim that came in night before last. L train operator."

"She was discharged earlier tonight."

"That's good news. She'll be ok right?"

"Yes. She got very good pre-hospital care, probably saved her life. I just want you to know, we all miss Leslie so much."

"Yeah." I could tell she wanted to cry but kept it in. I just turned around and left. I just couldn't deal with all of this today. During next shift, I was minding my own business when Matt stopped me in the hallway.

"Kelly, can we talk?" Matt took me out front and offered me a cigar, much like I had done after Hallie died. "You made me listen to you when Hallie died. Now it's your turn. God I loved Hallie, I thought we'd be together forever. I still think I'll bump into her in a store or she'll call to ask me how my day was. Truthfully, as screwed up as that is, I love that feeling." Listening to him talk about Hallie that way, how it had hurt him and how he was living through the pain everyday, made me lthink about the pain I was feeling and if it would lessen some day. "Listen. This house needs you and wether you like it or not, you need this house." My heart was heavy and I suddenly found it hard to breathe, here under the sunlight but his words made their way inside my head.

I suddenly didn't feel like going back to Matt and Gabby's place so I requested an extra shift from chief, who reluctantly gave it to me. I was checking out our oxygen tanks when Mills walked past me. This was my chance to talk to him.

"Usually, when first watch comes in, it's our cue to go home." He said, surprised that I was still there.

"I thought I'd pick up an extra shift. Hey listen, I'm still working on things and I'm sorry I dropped the ball. I apreciate what you did, what you're doing for the house. I'm glad you're still here.

"Thanks. And for now, I'm good where I am." He just turned around and left, leaving me to what I was doing. The next morning, when I got off my second shift, the woman from the train was waiting for me with a plate of muffins.

"Hey." She said and I laughed before talking.

"Hey, how are you feeling?"

"I got shot you know, it hurts like hell."

"What do you got here?"

"Just a thank you. You can pretend they're fat free if you want but they're really not."

"I'm glad you're ok."

"Thanks to you."

"Nah." I tried to downplay.

"I need to meet that paramedic friend of yours."

Here it was. This time, I'd have to say it out loud. "Ahh, actually, hum." I tried to compose myself. "She'd dead." The words fell from my lips and suddenly it became more real.

"Ah, I'm sorry. She's here, I can feel her." He put her hand on mine. I closed my eyes and took a moment to take it all in. My heart hurt but she was right. Shay was with me, she always will but right now, the pain was too much, too raw.

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a/n Ok so here is the first chapter of my new story. I know it's not much because it's like the show but I needed to put this down. For at least a chapter, maybe two, the story will be the same as on tv except a few passages but as soon as Britney decides to go back home, it'll be more me writing. Please leave a review on what you think about it.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my imagination.

First of all, thank you everyone who reviewed the first chapter and liked it. Second of all, I'm SOOOO VERY SORRY I haven't updated this story in forever but I haven't really had the time to sit in front of my dvr and rewatch the episode but since I am on a roll today and have written two chapters on other stories, I'll take the time to get this one done as well. This second chapter is still a very close tie in to the episodes so I can build up to where I can let my imagination run wild on this story. Thanks to those who follow and favorite as well, it means as much as a review.

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After having talked with the woman I rescued on the train, a slight weight had been lifted off my chest. Not enough of it for the pain to dull down but enough to get me more focused at work and somewhat slowing down the nightly bar hopping. After our first call of the morning, I ran in to Brett on my way to the coffee machine.

"A bunch of us are going out tomorrow night if you want to come. Oh wait, don't you have a friend in town or something?" I poured myself a cup of coffee.

"My fiancé, my ex, my ex-fiancé. Actually I'm not sure what he is to me at the moment." She was mumbling, probably feeling nervous. "I slept with him." She blurted out, promting me to give her a too much information kind of look.

"Ah."

"You got more than what you bargained for didn't you." She swallowed, realizing what she had just done in that moment.

"Does that mean th at you're back together?"

"Well, he lives in Fowllerton, sooo."

"You going back there?"

"No, noo, no." She looked like she didn't know what she was feeling and I wasn't about to give my input but I had been such an ass to her when she first arrived at 51 and I was half way out of my mind with grief that I couldn't think straight but she seemed like a nice girl and she deserved a chance.

"Good." I took a sip of my coffee

"Yup." An awkward moment passed between us before I left to my office. Shift went by quickly and nothing out of the ordinary stood out so I was glad when shift was over in the morning. I walked by both Otis and Cruz in the hallway, and asked to see if they wanted to come.

"Hey guy, you coming tonight? It's Tuesday at McGilla Cuddies." I walked up to them. The both tried to offer excuses that were both more pathetic than the other. "Whatever." I waved them off. "You guys suck." I threw in and left. That evening, I went to Molly's instead, where to my surprise, Connie was. She didn't seem like the type of person to sit in a bar to drink so I took a seat next to her and nodded with a smile. We both started talking while sipping on our drinks. "I do my job, I do it well. When I punch out, it's my business."

"It most certainly is." She agreed with me and took a sip of her own drink.

"Everybody is on my ass about the drinking but I din't bring that on the job. My point is, I do my job. And the day I show up drunk, and I'm telling you Connie and I mean this, you can fire me."

"Alright, I will." She smiled at me and klinked her glass with mine and we kept driking. I went to shift the next time, sober for the first time. It was business as usual and we got called to an office building where an elevator was blocked. I walked in with my halligan and we listened to the office janitor before Boden gave his orders. We had no other choice than to walk up all the fights of stairs all the way to the top. I went and banged on the door, listening to people calling for help, trying to figure out how many people were in there.

"This is Lieutenant Severide from the Chicago Fire Department. Just hang tight, we're going to get you guys out." Casey called his orders to Otis and Otis unlocked the outer door with a standard elevator key and tried to pry it open with my help but we found the elevator lower than the floor we were on but not quite stuck in the middle. Newhouse tryed to open the inner doors and I tried helping but they wouldn't open all the way. We would need someone small to fit in there.

"Hey guys." I put myself on the floor and put my head through the space. "Hang in there we're coming." I crouched down next to Casey. "Maybe we can squeaze someone through. Maybe Dawson or Herrmann and force the doors from the inside."

"Alright."

"I'll do it lieutenant." Herrmann offered himself. Otis and I helped him down but as soon as we let go of his hands, the elevator dropped lower down the shaft.

"HERRMANN." Otis bellowed as we watched it drop, Casey between us.

"Looks like they're two stories down." I looked back at chief Boden.

"Move, MOVE." We all ran down the stairs and Boden called after Herrmann to make sure everything was ok. Herrmann called out what he saw from the inside and what would be needed and Mills ran back down to get everything from the ambulance. Otis looked at the door to open it just as he had done with the first one only to find whathe was looking for was missing.

"There's no key whole." He hit the door with his fist. "This is an old elevator, there only have drop key holes at the bottom and top floors."

"Forcing these outer doors is going to take time."

"Which we don't have." I looked at the door, thinking and an idea popped in my head. "Capp, go to Squad and grab a drill." He did as he was told and I looked at the others. "Anybody have a piece of paper?"

"Here." Brett handed me a paper from the wall and I dropped my halligan before running back up the stairs to the top floor. I positioned the paper at the junction of the top side of the door and the middle of it and pierced the paper with my knife before going back down where Capp and Mills we just coming back. I placed the paper on the door two floors down.

"Capp, on the dot, right through." Capp drilled the hole and Otis was able to use his drop key to open it so we could get everyone out. After that call, the rest of shift was pretty normal stuff and we ended up gathering at Molly's in the evening. Sevral of us were gathered around a table for a poker game.

"Alright boys." Cruz was dealing and the others were teasing him to hurry up. I looked at the guys around the table and figured we could use some down time.

"You know what we need? All of us?" The guys looking at me, half expecting me to say something stupid. "A Vegas week-end." The guys laughed but seemed willing.

"What weed-end." Otis asked for everyone.

"Next week-end." I chuckled and everyone laughed, not believing what I said.

"I don't know, you need more lead time otherwise you get crushed on the strip." Mouch came up with a lousy excuse.

"Oh come one. Never mind, this is a Squad trip. We're going to Vegas, that's an order." I told Capp, Mills, Newhouse and Tony."

"Yeah, sure." they all said.

"Look who it is." I followed Mill's words to see Brett walking closer to us.

"What's happening Sylvie?" Tony asked her.

"How you doing? You ok?" Something seemed to be on her mind and I just wanted to make sure that everything was ok.

"Yeah, yeah I am."

"Good, cheers, grab a seat." I reaised my bottle to her and we had fun for the rest of the evening. It felt really great to be out with the rest of 51, having a normal evening.

The trip to Vegas was far from planned and Capp didn't know how to play crapps and we had to teach him how to. We made a makeshift table and drew on it with markers. I was standing at one end of the table and Capp at the other end, other guys from the rest of the house on each side. Teaching Capp was worst than teaching a child, he didn't understand a thing.

"Can I add to my pass line bet?"

"No, you have to back it up first."

"Can I add to the 6?"

"There's already money on the 6."

"Ok start over."

"There's no starting over in crapps Capp. Come on your scaring me here bud."

"Why can't I bet what you bet?" That made Newhouse laugh along with the rest of the guys and I just gave him a look.

"Hey, it's not funny, you should be coming with us." I pointed at him.

"Look I have a kid. I can't abandon her to roll with you degenerates." He was still laughing.

"Fair enough. Tony, that's a real excuse."

"What, my sinuses can't take the dry heat." That was crap and it only made Otis laugh. We kept trying to teach Capp until we had a call from hell. A small boy had his head stuck between the bars of his balcony and the bancony side had fallen, treatening to bring him with it if his mother wasn't holding onto it for dear life. Brett and I spent the rest of shift, batting for the mother who had her child taken away from her by child services and it had taken its toll on the both of us but Brett had persisted and things were going to turn up for the mother and son.

"Are you ready?" I asked Capp as he walked towards me but the way he was standing, I knew he was about to choke. "Don't say it. Don't even say it."

"You're going to kill me."

"I knew you were going to do this." I couldn't believe what i was hearing but on the other hand, I knew Capp would end up bailing on the fun.

"I promised my mom. She's going to have a blow-out yard sale."

"I don't want to hear it."

"I can't make Vegas."

"Capp, I don't want to hear about this." Newhouse and Tony were already out the house and Capp walked in front of me to leave.

"Lieutenant Severide."

"Hey." I smiled at the mom that just walked through the apparatus floor.

"They're bringing Archie back home this afternoon." She had relief written all over her face. "I don't even know how to begin to say thank you." Brett walked up to us at the same time.

"Well, she's the one who deserves the credit." She smiled at me and went to hug Brett.

"Thank you." She smiled at the both of us and left. I looked at Brett who was smiling and it made me smile. She had the same desire to protect those who needed to be, just as Shay had and she had faught tooth and nail to do it and it made me feel good on the inside.

"Do you want to go to Vegas with me?" I asked out of nowhere, making her look up.

"When?" She was a little bit dumbfounded.

"Seriously, right now."

"Hum." She really didn't seem to know what to do.

"It'll be fun." I tried to convince her.

"I, I'd love to. huh. I'm not sure how great of an idea that is." She confessed.

"Ok, that's fine."

"Hey, thanks." I smiled at her and walked out of the firehouse. I went back to Matt and Gabby's place to pack a bag and left for the airport, a flight for Vegas leaving soon after I arrived. I booked a room and headed straight for the casinos and the crapp's tables.

"Seven out." The dealer called, things weren't looking so good right about now. I looked at what was left of my chips when a blonde woman stood next to me. She was beautiful but she didn't see to know what she was doing. I looked at her and she looked at me fore we exchanged hi's

"You play crapps at all?" I asked her, smiling.

"Nope, good luck." And she turned to leave but I stopped her.

"Hey, hey woah woah, wait, come back." I called after her and she turned around. "Come on. New girl luck, it works every time, please?"

"New girl." She chuckled, probably not believing a word of it.

"Come on." She came back to stand next to me.

"Place your bets." The dealer called out and I placed some chips on the table.

"You're the shooter." She took the dice in her hands and rolled them before looking at me. "Just aim for the back wall." She threw the dice and people clapped, she had made me win.

She looked at me, not really believing that this had just happened. "What are we aiming for this time?"

"Another eight." She threw them again as hard as she could so they would land at the other end of the table and got another eight. My night was just becoming better as the minutes ticked by. I suddenly felt the need to kiss her and my lips were on hers before any other thought left me. She looked at me when we parted and she pulled me back to her for another one. We both smiled at each other and I knew we were in for it.

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a/n: Oh my god. I wrote three updates in one day and I'm glad I finally managed to get a second chapter to this story written up. It always takes longer to write up extremely close tie-ins because I have wrong dialogue and it requires a lot of play/pause action to get it done properly and I wrote this as close to the script as my ears possibly left me.

**Up Next: **Ok so here is the fun thing. Next chapter I decided to write the scenes that led up to them getting married in Vegas and coming back home to Chicago, something we haven't seen on the show so it's possible next update will come sooner than months after this is being posted.

I hope you enjoyed my spin on it and please leave a review before you leave - Sarra


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